Here I go again........

Well I am on the lose weight bandwagon again.   The difference this time is I've joined Weight Watchers and I am blogging.  In the past, I have always done it by myself.  I set impossible to reach goals and when I make a mistake I quit.  If you can't do it right the first time why bother? 

I so want this!  I am so tired of being fat.  I have no energy and am so depressed and I think it is all because of how I feel being overweight.  I started gaining weight after I was married and became pregnant with my oldest.  I was 127 lbs when I began my pregnancy and when my daughter was born I was 181 pounds.  After that, I could never lose the weight.  I tried but never got below 165.  I became pregnant with my son 2 years later and just kept gaining.  My kids are now 9 and 7 and I am 214.4 lbs.  I'm tired all the time, my clothes all suck (living in northern Alberta there's not much for affordable selection),  and I feel like sh*t. 

I read on http://www.skinnyhollie.com/ to put yourself out there.  She started a facebook fan page and told her family and friends that she has a blog so that everyone she knew would know she is trying to lose weight.  I think that is a good idea and I am going to give it a try as well. 

There are three reasons I am doing this again and finally admitting to myself  I can't do it on my own, that I need help to lose this weight. 

1. I never go swimming with my kids if I can help it.  I hate the way I look in  a swimsuit and will always make up an excuse as to why I can't go.  (thankfully my kids haven't realized that you can't have your period all month)  Their dad always takes them but I always feel like crap when I lie to them and they always look so sad that I won't go.
2. The biggest reason and what really made me do this is my 10 year wedding anniversary is 5 days away and my whole family kept begging us to get our passports (because my sis told me they were buying us a holiday) but I kept putting it off, not because I was too busy like I told them but because I didn't want to go on a holiday where I would have to where a bathing suit!  Can you believe it?  I turned down a free vacation with my husband because I am too fat to go, because I hate myself for the way I look and I don't/didn't?  think I can have fun because I will be worried about how I look. 
3. The ultra biggest reason?  I  won't make love or have sex with my husband because I can't enjoy it.  I haven't had sex in over 6 months because I hate the way I look.  He doesn't see me that way and says I am sexy and beautiful but I don't feel that way.  I just feel fat and ugly.  The last time we had sex I spent the whole time sucking in my stomach and worrying, that by the time we were done, I couldn't get out of bed fast enough.  I just wanted to throw some clothes on so he wouldn't have to look at me. 

That is the first time I have ever said that "out loud".  OMG, I feel ashamed and horrible.  I can't believe how much power being overweight has over me.  I really want this to work.  It has to work!